


Nocturns

by A Magiluna Stormwriter (ariestess)



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bechdel Test Pass, Bisexual Female Character, Epistolary, F/F, Female Character of Color, Female Characters, Female Homosexuality, Female Protagonist, Female Relationships, Female-Centric, POV Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-30
Updated: 2015-11-30
Packaged: 2018-05-04 05:56:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5323016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ariestess/pseuds/A%20Magiluna%20Stormwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She's been rehearsing how to propose to me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Pairing: Regina/Emma, mentions of Regina/Daniel & Regina/Leopold  
> Date Written: 15-28 November 2015  
> Word Count: 6211  
> Written for: Mini Fic meme on tumblr  
> Recipient: [](http://supernovapop.tumblr.com)[](http://supernovapop.tumblr.com)**supernovapop**  
>  Prompt: "Swan Queen. Number 20, please. :) Thank you."  
> Summary: She's been rehearsing how to propose to me.  
> Spoilers: Nebulous post- S5 canon divergence after the Dark One is removed from Emma.  
> Warnings: No standard warnings apply.  
> Website: ShatterStorm Productions – Doggie Duo  
> Link to: <http://bdkk.shatterstorm.net/>  
> Archive: ShatterStorm Productions & AO3 only…all others ask for permission & we'll see…  
> Feedback: Constructive criticism is always welcome.
> 
> Author’s Disclaimer: "Once Upon a Time," the characters, and situations depicted are the property of Adam Horowitz, Edward Kitsis, Kitsis/Horowitz, and ABC Studios. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. This site is in no way affiliated with "Once Upon a Time," ABC, or any representatives of the actors.
> 
> Author’s Notes: This story seriously ran away from me. LOL! I didn't expect it to be quite so serious or quite so long. I should know better than to try to pigeonhole my muses, _especially_ Regina. It really ended up being much more realistic than I'd expected, too. Like if it weren't for the angst involved, I'd almost call this curtain!fic. But that angst is evil. *chuckles* The title comes from the Christian Liturgy of the Hours, and is a now-discontinued part of Matins, which has also been called Vigils, or the "night office".
> 
> Dedication: My muses, as usual…
> 
> Beta: [](http://theonlyspl.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://theonlyspl.livejournal.com/)**theonlyspl** is my beta and my instigating pusher.  <3

**From the Personal Journal of Regina Mills**

What is it about the people in Snow White's family and talking in their sleep? Snow did it most of the time I knew her, so I wouldn't be surprised to hear she's still doing it. I used to despise the sleepovers she always finagled out of me in moments of weakness. Well, until I realized what I could learn about her father and the goings on in the castle. She was a virtual blabbermouth at times, which always worked to my advantage. The only problem was that, by the time I could _truly_ benefit from her nocturnal ramblings, she was too old for casual bed sharing. Leopold's court was nothing if not a gossip factory, and the servants were the worst of the bunch.

Years later, when I had Charming in my prison for those brief days before he escaped to rescue Snow, I discovered that he did the same thing. If it weren't for the fact of his lowly peasant birth versus that of both of her parents having long lines of royalty, I'd almost wonder if they weren't somehow related. And wouldn't _that_ have been the juiciest of gossip to let filter into Leopold's court. Well, I guess it was _my_ court by that time, and I had my own means of ferreting out information others didn't want to be known.

When Henry was just a baby, he constantly cooed and burbled in his sleep. It was adorable and made my heart melt with each nonsensical sound that escaped his lips. I began to encourage him when his ramblings turned into fantastical stories of superheroes and knights errant. Once he would drift off into deeper, soundless sleep, I would grab a notebook and pen to jot down what he'd said. One day soon, I'll have those typed up and bound in a proper book that he can read to his children and grandchildren.

Really, I should've known that he was related to my damned nemesis by the way he talked in his sleep. But I didn't want to face the fact that my curse would most assuredly be broken. It meant accepting the loss of so many things in my life that I didn't want to lose, chiefly Henry and his love.

But it wasn't until I began seeing Henry's other mother that I truly realized the extent of the Charming family curse. But is it truly a curse when you enjoy it? I think that's the real question here.

There was that night when Henry was trapped in the mines. In the midst of all the chaos, somehow Emma took a brief catnap with her eyes open. If it hadn't been for her murmurings, I'd have found the whole situation creepy as hell. She spoke of Henry and her fears of disappointing him, just as she'd disappointed so many foster families over the years. A part of me felt awful for the ill treatment she suffered growing up, I can admit that now. When she woke up just a moment or so later, she acted like nothing had happened, and I didn't have the heart to bring it up.

After that, I began to pay closer attention to her sleep habits when we were forced into close proximity. Not that it happened all that often, of course. At least not in the beginning.

When I'd created the apple turnover for her, there was a part of me that wondered if she would talk through that sleeping curse. From what I've gathered, Snow never made a sound, but her daughter is a bit more contrary than she, so it was an entirely acceptable possibility. But I'll never know because Henry fell prey to that curse. And I'm quite sure he never uttered a syllable during those harrowing hours of his forced slumber. If he did, no one's ever told me.

It wasn't until we went to Neverland that I really had a chance to be in close proximity to Emma while she slept. It was an eye-opening experience, to say the least. She tends to talk more in her sleep than her parents, though Henry comes closer. At least with Henry, once he fell into truly deep sleep, he stopped his ramblings. With Emma, she can do it multiple times a night. It's like her mouth is connected to her REM cycles or something. The deeper states of the cycle are quieter, but when she cycles into a lighter state of consciousness, her mouth won't stop.

I knew the pirate was never an actual threat before those damnable confessions they all made in that cave to save Rumpel's son. In fact, the night after she'd kissed the pirate, Emma was mumbling in her sleep about mistakes and wrong villains. It didn't make any sense then, of course, but it does now. Just as when she admitted to being a lost girl, her earlier somnolent conversation about disappointing families made more sense to me.

As we got closer, I began keeping a notebook of what Emma said in her sleep. Not for the same reason as with Henry, of course. This time, it was more for personal edification, I suppose. Emma's sleepy one-sided conversations often come true in some way, shape, or form. It's not that I think she's clairvoyant exactly, but I never second-guess magic, _especially_ in this land.

She once debated the pros and cons of Christmas gift ideas for Henry and her parents. I kept track of all of the information she said and later brought up some of the same options as gifts from the two of us. I'm not sure she quite put two and two together, but we ended up getting most of the gifts she'd been considering. Is it wrong that I was kind of upset that she never discussed _my_ gifts in her sleep?

But the most telling thing about Emma's sleep dialogue is that it allows me to see what's important to her and what she's having a hard time dealing with. It often became my way of gauging how to deal with her darker or more introspective moods. There are days now circled on my calendar as difficult for her emotionally. I don't know exactly what happened on those days in her past, but I know they bring out the worst of her sleep issues, including her clearly subconscious rantings and ravings about the ghosts of her past. I've never pushed her to talk about them, but I make sure to stay up all night with her, and then I make her breakfast in bed the next morning. She just thinks I'm choosing to pamper her, or that's how she acts when it happens.

When she was the Dark One, we were separated, and I hated it. I knew she had things she needed to deal with, and I knew she wasn't sleeping much. I remember that much from both my research into the Dark One history and from my time as Rumpel's assistant. I had difficulty sleeping myself when she was… away then. It was my only goal to get the darkness out of her, to make her understand that she didn't need to sacrifice her own soul for me.

Fate doesn't control us, no matter how much it may seem like it does. If I was meant to be with Robin, I'd be with him. But I'm not, and I never will be. He made his choices and I made mine. In fact, I made mine long before I ever actually saw his face or spoke to him. If it hadn't been for Pan and his damnable curse, Emma and I never would have been separated, and she'd never have sacrificed her own happiness to become the Dark One.

It wasn't fair then, and it's still not fair now. We lost valuable time together, and she doesn't understand just how much it affected me. I really should come clean about my knowledge of her nighttime ramblings, but I can't. Things have been so tenuous since we removed the darkness from her. She's speaking with Archie now, three times a week. Just like I did when I first tried to give up magic for Henry. And for her. Even back then, it was for both of them. I was drawn to her in so many ways that I couldn't understand. If I'm honest with myself, I still don't understand them. But they're a reality and they're a part of my life. Just as she and Henry are my reality, my anchors of love and goodness in this life.

I love her. She knows I do. We've exchanged the words. We've been living together officially since the burden of the Dark One was taken from her shoulders. Before Pan's curse, we were clandestinely dating, but looking back, it seems obvious that everyone knew. We were both too scared, too worried of what others would think, and too caught up in our own issues to really realize that together we _are_ stronger.

I should be sleeping right now, but I can't. She said something tonight that has erased all sense of exhaustion within me. She's deeply in her sleep cycle, which affords me the opportunity to put these thoughts of mine to paper. She'll likely never see this. Truth be told, I'll likely burn these pages in the morning. But I hope that writing them down will allow me to get some sleep tonight. I'm not holding my breath though.

You see, Emma was practicing a speech in her sleep tonight. Over and over, she's been saying and rearranging the words into some order that feels right to her. I'm used to this structure in her nightly ramblings. That's not what has me unable to sleep. It's _what_ she's trying to say that has me tied up in knots.

She's been rehearsing how to propose to me.

We've never once discussed marriage or anything long-term about our relationship before. Well, nothing that didn't involve Henry and any contingencies needed for his upbringing and future financial stability. The future has been this nebulous thing that will just _happen_ , and we'll deal with it as it does. There's always a threat of some sort to this town or our family, and that will always take precedence over anything personal. _Because that's what heroes do_ , or so Henry has been telling us both for so many years now. We've both been villains and we've now both been heroes. We don't know how to plan for a distant future. We live more in terms of _"Until the next crisis"_ than _"On our tenth anniversary"_. Long-term planning for us is determining how to spend Henry's next break from school, or whether we should hold a party at Granny's to celebrate the anniversary of some disaster we averted.

But Emma's considering proposing to me now, considering making our living arrangements more permanent and legally binding. And that terrifies the hell out of me. The last person I made these sorts of plans with is dead, first by my mother's hand, then by mine. The arrangements with Graham during the curse don't count here either, as he really didn't have any say in the matter, something I actually regret now. I don't know how to plan long-term when love's involved. And no, planning for Henry's future is different. Yes, there's love involved, of course, but not like this. This is different.

This whole relationship with Emma is different. There are days that I honestly don't know how to proceed. I don't want to hurt her, but inevitably I do. And the reverse is also true. But with never heavily planning for the future, the stakes are not the same. If she proposes, that means she wants a longer commitment than we've ever considered before. If I accept, what does that mean? The idea of potentially hurting her in the future terrifies me as it is, but if we're engaged or married, that changes everything. My last marriage was a sham, but I still took my vows as seriously as a young girl forced into a loveless marriage with an abusive older man can. I didn't want to bring on any undue attention to myself, even if I wanted him dead every minute of every day.

But marrying Emma, becoming her wife in name as well as in deed? I want this, I truly do, but I'm afraid of one day feeling for her what I felt for her grandfather. Not that I expect it to happen, but the fear is still there and very real. It pains me to consider ever hating Emma again. I remember how it felt when she first came to town. Now that I have grown to love her, I don't want that love to become tainted and dirty with hatred.

I don't know what to do. And I have no one to talk to about this. No one knows that I know of her sleep talking, and telling anyone would be a violation of her trust in me. Even telling Archie, who would be bound by doctor-patient privileges, would be breaking an unspoken promise between us. And I refuse to bring our son into our relationship issues.

I love you, Emma Swan, even if you never see this journal of mine.


	2. Chapter 2

> _Dear Regina,_
> 
> _Why in the hell would you think it's okay to just throw your journal at me, tell me to read the bookmarked entry, then run out of the room as you poof off like your ass is on fire? You don't drop a bombshell like that and then just leave! Get your ass home and TALK to me! The fact that I have to resort to this Harry Potter howler crap is really pissing me off right now. You have five minutes from when I send this to find you to come home, or I'll find you wherever you are and force you to talk to me._
> 
> _Pissed off, but still I love you,  
>  Emma_

Emma actually waits nearly ten minutes before starting to send out magical tracers to try to find her partner. She isn't idle while waiting though, as there's a clear path worn in the carpet before the fireplace in the bedroom. The journal sits on the bed, open to the last page of the entry Regina had written the night before. She's read the thing three times now, but it still makes absolutely no sense to her.

Checking her watch one more time, Emma gets ready to activate a tracer spell. She doesn't get further than raising her hands when the bedroom door opens. Regina timidly steps into the room, hands clenched into white-knuckled fists at her sides. She moves enough to close the door, then just stands there, fear and wariness rolling off of her body in palpable waves.

"So…" Emma says after a moment or two of tense silence.

"I'm sorry," Regina finally whispers, but doesn't leave her spot near the door. It's almost as if she's prepared to bolt, but has forgotten she has magic.

"All these years?" She lets out a sound somewhere between clearing her throat and growling. "You've been listening to me all these years and never said a fucking word? Who in the hell do you think you are to do that to a person? To _me_?"

"I'm--"

"And if you just say you're sorry again, I swear to god I'll punch you into the next century. _Talk to me_ , damn it!"

Regina worries at her bottom lip, breath coming fast and hard through her nose. She forces her hands to unfurl, hissing slightly at the tingles of pain, then rubs her palms against her legs as she walks toward the chaise to sit down.

"I don't even know where to begin," she finally says, voice rough with unshed tears.

"How about why you never told me that I talk in my sleep?" There's a harshness still to Emma's tone, but also a sense of resignation. "Or that you listen to me when I do?"

"Usually, it's not anything of consequence. I learned that from both Snow and Henry when I'd listen to them. And Henry knows that I've listened to him talk in his sleep. We used to discuss his dreams over breakfast."

"That doesn't mean it's okay to listen. Not to him or to me."

"I know. Some habits take longer to die, I guess."

Emma snorts at that. "That's what you're going with? Really, Regina?"

"What do you want me to say, Emma? I'm sorry that I've listened in all these years and never said anything to you. I'm sorry that I took advantage of something you can't control. I didn't mean any harm by it."

"Then why keep it a secret?"

"Because…" The words stick in her throat. "Because I knew you needed to feel like you mattered to someone. I wanted to help relieve you of the bad memories and dark thoughts of your past, but you never wanted to talk about it. I hated when we would fight because you were already emotionally withdrawn over some abuses from your childhood. By listening to your sleep talk, I could at least determine what days were more important for me to pick my battles with you."

"So you were trying to help me? Is that what you're saying?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm trying to say, Emma. Did you _never_ question how I would just know to make certain days all about making you feel included? It was because you would be miserable in your dreams the night before. I have an entire section of my day planner dedicated to what I call 'Make Emma My Top Priority' days. Not that I don't make you my top priority the rest of the time, but those days are special. Like how you just _magically_ know to tread carefully around the anniversaries of Daniel's and my parents' deaths, among others."

Emma is silent for a long moment, clearly taking in this information. Memories of several days of this type filter through her mind until tears fill her eyes. "I-- You could have told me, Regina."

"And have you angry with me for something else that I've forgotten to tell you about?"

"Regina, that doesn't even make any sense."

Regina drops her gaze to her lap again, watching her hands clench and unclench against her thighs. She can feel the fabric of their relationship fraying, steels herself for the inevitable break up as she hears Emma moving around. There's no way now that Emma will want to marry her or commit to anything long-term. She'll leave and she'll likely take Henry with her.

"You're an idiot, Regina Mills."

Her head snaps up at those words, ready for a fight, but no words come as she sees Emma has moved closer to her. There are tears glinting in those mossy eyes, but she can't tell if they're good or not. Emma carefully settles on the chaise next to her, and Regina can't help but tense up in anticipated fear.

"I know you usually call me your idiot," Emma says softly, "and I won't deny that I actually like it when you do. But right now, _you_ are the idiot, not me. Why didn't you think you could trust me enough to be honest with me?"

"I didn't want to lose you," she whispers. "I love you, Emma."

"And I love you, Regina, but we promised that there would be no more lies. Not telling me about this kind of violates that promise."

"But--"

"No buts, Regina. You broke a promise."

Regina closes her eyes, breath caught in her throat as she prepares for the demise of her happy ending. The tears slip down her cheeks, burning with the shame of knowing she actually _did_ hurt Emma and ruin the best thing to ever happen to her. Her heart thuds painfully in her chest, and all she wants to do is rip it out and crush it to dust.

"But so did I," Emma finally says.

"What?"

Emma runs a hand through her hair, not meeting Regina's gaze now. "I, uh, was considering leaving."

"I--"

"No, let me finish before I lose my nerve." Emma stands to start pacing as she talks, hands gesturing wildly to illustrate her points. "I was starting to feel… I don't know. I wanted to leave, just get the fuck out here and never look back. I've been settled in one place for so long now, and it's completely against my nature."

"Y-You wanted to leave?"

"Yeah. It was right after we got rid of the Dark One energy in me. I was feeling so overwhelmed by everything that I did and said and thought. The urge was so strong to just leave and forget all about magic and fairytales and--" She bites her bottom lip with a low growl. "And everyone that expected me to be my best."

"Oh…"

"But I couldn't do it. I actually talked to Archie about it, about why I feel the need to run instead of stay and accept the expectations others have for me, as well as the rewards for meeting those expectations. He helped me realize that I've been afraid of actually getting what I've always wanted: a family where I belonged."

She grows silent for a moment as she keeps pacing. Regina scrubs at her tear-streaked face, then watches Emma as she moves back and forth in front of the fireplace. The conflicting emotions flitting across her face have Regina on her feet to pull her partner into her arms. When Emma's arms wrap around her waist, Regina clings tightly and presses a kiss to her temple.

"I wanted to leave, wanted to give up my happy ending before I fucked it all up," Emma whispers raggedly against Regina's neck. "But Archie made me realize how miserable I'd be. And then I realized that I had to stop running when things got tough. And I started working out a plan to make sure that I _couldn't_ just cut and run."

"Proposing to me."

"Yeah. Archie talked about making concrete plans for a year or two in advance, like mini-goals toward a major accomplishment, you know? But I knew that wasn't what I needed. That's basically what we already have now."

Regina can find no fault in this logic; every word Emma says about them and making goals is true. She'd even discussed it in her journal entry that predicated this whole conversation. She can't even call it a fight anymore.

"It sounds as if perhaps we need to schedule a few joint sessions with Archie," she finally says, "because we _both_ need to learn better long-term planning strategies."

Emma pulls back to stare at her then. "You'd-- You're willing to do that? Really?"

"Yes, really. Why wouldn't I, Emma? I love you and, even if we've shied away from it in the past, it's clear that we both want something more permanent, more substantial than we may have first thought." Regina pauses for a moment, letting herself get lost in the subtle flecks of color in Emma's eyes. "The thought of not having you here to fall asleep with at night or to wake up to in the morning? That terrifies me more than I ever thought possible, but it's the truth. Despite my fears about commitment and potentially hurting you, I can't deny that it would kill me to lose you."

"So…"

"So, I would _really_ like it if you'd actually say what you were practicing in your sleep last night."

"You-- I--" Emma can't seem to get a single thought to leave her lips, but she smiles happily at Regina. "Um, okay. Now? You want me to do it now?"

Regina steps back just a bit, putting the tiniest space possible between them. "I want you to do it when you're ready. I won't push you to do anything, Emma, not something as important as this."

"But-- Don't you _want_ me to ask you now? Isn't that the point of what you said?"

"No, Emma. The point of what I said is that I want you to say it, but not if you aren't ready yet. And I promise that if you start talking in your sleep again, I'll tell you about it the next morning. No more keeping secrets like that between us."

That brightens Emma's smile as she leans in to press a light kiss to Regina's lips. "I love you, Regina, and I'm sorry."

"No, my love, I'm the one who should apologize. I shouldn't have kept my knowledge from you for so long, then run off to leave you to learn about it on your own. I love you and I'm sorry."


	3. Chapter 3

~three months later~

"Hey, Ems, how's it hangin'?"

Emma looks up at Ruby's greeting as she holds the door open for Regina. Both are wearing sunglasses against the unseasonably bright mid-winter sunlight, even though they've only just walked across the street from Archie's office. Emma takes Regina's coat and scarf, hanging them on the coat rack with her own, then follows her fiancée to their usual booth.

"About as low as it's gonna get, Rubes," she replies with a wry grin as she settles in the booth across from Regina.

The leggy waitress walks over with a grin and the coffee pot. Emma chuckles when she sees the red satin of Ruby's g-string arching up over the low waistband of her black skinny jeans. Once the coffee's poured, she leans against the back of the booth.

"You guys know what you want for lunch today or do you need a little time? Granny's got that salmon Caesar salad you like, Regina."

Removing her sunglasses, Regina smiles up at Ruby. "That actually sounds really good right now. Would you possibly have any of the chocolate silk pie today?"

Ruby purses her lips, eyes squinting as she glances back toward the kitchen. The slight puffiness to Regina's eyes tugs at her desire to protect her pack, but she'll wait until she's been given the go ahead to do anything like that. She's learned the hard way just how prickly Regina can still be when she's upset, redeemed or not.

"I can check with Granny. I think she was talking about making one this morning, but I was kind of hungover, so I really don't remember." She flashes them a sheepish grin. "How about I give you guys a few to decide, then I'll--" Her train of thought derails at the flash of brilliance on Regina's left hand as it combs her bangs back. "What the hell is that?"

Regina freezes for a handful of heartbeats at the question, then her cheeks flush a dusky rose as she settles her hand on the tabletop. It doesn't stay there long, as Ruby lifts it up to examine the ring in the light. She lets out a low whistle as she examines the silver and diamond ring closely. Ruby doesn't miss the double infinity symbols on either side of the heart-shaped center diamond.

"Damn, Ems, when you do something, you don't go halfway, do you?"

"Not when it's important, no," is the reply. "Just-- Just don't say anything yet, okay, Rubes?"

"My lips are sealed." Ruby releases Regina's hand, then engulfs her in a quick, tight hug. "Congratulations, you two," she says with a grin. "It's about time you figured out what the rest of us have known for a while now." She turns to hug Emma next, then pulls back to look at her left hand. "And where's yours?"

Emma's lips part to answer, but the words come from Regina. "It's being resized for her. She'll have it soon enough."

Ruby squints again, studying the two women, then her jaw drops as realization dawns on her. "You're missing a ring, big boss lady. I mean, I've stared at that thing for over thirty years now."

"It felt appropriate."

"Ruby!" Granny calls from the kitchen. "Are you gonna yammer at my best customers all day or are you gonna let them decide what they want to eat?"

"Yeah, yeah, Granny! I'm coming!"

She starts to leave, but stops when Regina squeezes her hand. "Please, Ruby, don't say anything. Let people learn on their own? This is still so new…"

Ruby mimes zipping her lips shut and throwing away the key. "Wait. Does Snow know yet?" When the couple shakes their heads, she lets out a mischievous cackle. "Oh my god, Ems, she's gonna _kill_ me when she finds out I knew first. But I promise, I won't say anything."

When she walks away, Regina chews on her bottom lip before meeting Emma's gaze. She lets out a soft sigh and reaches across the table to squeeze Emma's hand to restore her equilibrium.

"Well, that went easier than I thought," Emma finally says. "Are you okay with this?"

Regina snorts softly. "It's not like we can take it back now, Emma. Ruby knows, just like Henry and Archie do. Gradually people will figure it out, your mother included."

"Yeah, but it's barely been like twelve hours, and I guess I thought we'd have a little more time before it became better known?"

"It's fine. We'll deal with each new revelation as they happen. And when they ask if we've set a date yet, we'll just say that it will happen when it's meant to."

Emma smiles and laces their fingers together. "We have a lot of big steps ahead of us yet, but this was a pretty big one." She pauses and studies the ring on Regina's finger. "Thank you for saying yes."

"Thank you for still feeling strongly enough to ask." Regina licks her lips as Emma presses her lips to her knuckles. "And thank you for being so understanding in our session today. That was both harder and easier than I expected it to be."

"Yeah, I guess I never fully acknowledged what a douchebag bastard my gr-- _he_ was. You and Mom tell completely different stories about him."

Regina takes a sip of her coffee. "Your mother has very strong feelings about her father. I _do_ understand that, of course. But I also know that there's still a long way to go for her to understand and accept that he wasn't quite the pillar of goodness that she remembers."

"We don't need her understanding or approval, Regina. I believe you and support you wholeheartedly. That's why I didn't want to give you Mom's ring from Dad. I wanted something that was _us_ , something that wasn't steeped in so much history."

"And then I gave you the emerald…"

Regina sighs softly and tries to pull her hand away, but Emma tightens her grip on it.

"Hey, we talked about that. It's a symbol of how far you've come and what you actually need in your life. I am honored to wear it, Regina, because every time I look at it, I know that you chose your own happy ending instead of letting Fate decide for you."

 

  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes on the ring:  
> 
> 
>   * The rings were found at [MDCDiamonds](http://mdcdiamonds.com/)  
> 
>   * The set of engagement and wedding rings sells for a total price of $1400, not including the center diamond. The total cost of the set as described here, including the center diamond, is $3395 and contains 85 diamonds with 0.96 tcw.  
> 
>   * The engagement ring (#ES347HS) is described on the website as follows: "This 14 karat white gold infinity engagement ring setting features forty-two round brilliant cut diamonds 0.21 tcw. Pavé set in infinity symbol band. Available in platinum, rose/pink and yellow gold."  
> 
>   * I designed the center diamond on the site as follows, with a price of $1995: "Heart-shaped 0.54 carat diamond, D color, IF clarity, Signature Ideal cut."  
> 
>   * The wedding band (#ES347BS) complements the engagement ring and is described on the website as follows: "This 14 karat white gold infinity bridal set features on the engagement ring setting forty-two round brilliant cut diamonds 0.21 tcw. Pavé set in infinity symbol band. The matching wedding band features twenty-six round brilliant cut diamonds 0.13 tcw. Pavé set on a wrap curved band".
> 



	4. Chapter 4

**From the Personal Journal of Regina Mills**

We've been engaged exactly one month as of tonight. Sometimes it feels like it's still all a dream that I'll wake up from. I know I keep writing those words or similar ones in these pages, but it's the truth. The sparkle of the diamonds still catch my eye at the most random of times, and I will lose several minutes in just staring at that ring and what it symbolizes.

We talked about this in our session today. On Archie's recommendation, I shared with Emma the story of both of my previous engagements. It wasn't easy, but I got through it. I'm more than pleased that Leopold's ring never left the Enchanted Forest. I may have intimated that it was buried with him… After I shoved it down his throat.

No, I didn't actually do that, but I thought about doing it. Revenge fantasies and Leopold do tend to go hand in hand.

But I don't want to talk about him. He's in the past, and he can't hurt me ever again. In fact, I rather hope he's rolling over in his grave at the thought of me not only being engaged to his granddaughter, but also keeping his precious daughter out of the loop for three of the last four weeks of this engagement.

Practically every single person in town figured out the engagement long before Snow ever did. Her ability to be obtuse in the face of her blind optimism would be amusing if it wasn't so painfully annoying at times. Even _Charming_ figured it out relatively quickly. Oh, to have been a fly on the wall when Snow learned that he kept it a secret from her. It almost makes me wish I still practiced my mirror magic.

Emma did mention that Snow approached her about the ring situation, but I know that my love dealt with it as nicely and tactfully as she could. At least Snow hasn't come to me about that issue. I'm not sure I could bear that conversation. I'm grateful that she's not badgered us too much yet with wedding ideas. I have Emma to thank for nipping _that_ in the bud, too.

We talked about everyone's reactions again today in our session. I actually have them all listed in the wedding journal. Every major decision relating to our eventual wedding has gone into that journal. Emma mocks my need to have everything organized properly in the binder, but it helps me keep track of things. Plus, I've caught her flipping through the sections on her own with a huge, dopey grin on her face, so I know she's just as excited about it as I am.

And while I _am_ excited about our eventual wedding, it terrifies me still. Emma knows that. I've been very diligent in not keeping secrets from her since that fight four months ago. Last night I had the latest in a series of recurring dreams about losing Emma before we get married. The exact cause varies, but the outcome is always the same: she is taken away from me and I'm miserable for the rest of my life. We talked about that in our session today, too. My homework is to start keeping track of things happening in my daily life when the dreams happen. He thinks it might be a variation on Emma's sleep talking. Just as she tends to have darker conversations when she's stressed, Archie feels it might be the same for me and my dreams. So I purchased a small day planner specifically for this purpose.

Over dinner tonight, Emma asked me about ballpark figures for the budget for the wedding. We haven't even set a date yet, and I'm still trying to figure out how she managed to pay off my ring so quickly, especially if she wasn't planning it months in advance, but I understand her wanting to be prepared for when it _does_ feel right to get married. I'm going to do some calculations tomorrow, but I think we can safely set aside between one and two thousand dollars a month for it. I'm not sure I want a big fancy affair, but I'd rather be prepared for all possibilities and have extra money left over afterword than not have enough. We can always put the extra funds toward the honeymoon, after all.

I honestly don't care how long it takes for both of us to be ready to get married. I love Emma, I love how she understands me and makes me feel safe, and I love that we're so comfortable around each other, even when we fight. We're making our goals, sticking to our plans, and doing our best not to let this get out of control.

What more can we ask for? Ours is a relationship fraught with its own issues, thanks to magic, but the rewards are more than worth it. I am reminded of a quote I saw online by a Claudia Gray, which goes:

"I love you. That means I'm not just here for the pretty parts. I'm here no matter what."

And that's what I now remind myself of every single day, though I may have known it subconsciously all along. I'm not in this just for the easy or the safe parts. I'm in it for the fights and the misunderstandings and the illnesses and the things that go wrong. I'm not strong enough to do this on my own. Emma was right that we're stronger together than we are separately, and we've just been proving that over and over again. Even if we never actually get married, I am in this for the long haul. Emma may not be perfect, and I know I'm not, but we find our own version of perfection together.

This is what I've always wanted. I regret that I hurt, killed, and terrorized thousands of people over the years, but I wouldn't change a single bit of it, because all of it brought Emma and Henry into my life.


End file.
